In The In-Between

*Disclaimer: Do not read unless you wish to take an unchaperoned tour into my mind maze. I will not proof this and I know neither where it is going nor why it needs to be published on the internet. 

I found myself in the in-between today. You know, the in-between?

Neither here nor there, neither up nor down, not standing or falling, no more walking than I was running, just as happy as I was melancholy…no scratch that…I was…bland…the word I am grasping for is limbo.

If you will be gracious enough to forgive the tiresome nature of the language, it is almost 12:00am and I need to get this out because I need to get some sleep and I promise you that I have a point to make so stay with me.

It is my cycle, no not  that  cycle. I find that I have one of these episodes every once in a while right before a huge shift occurs in my life.

Over the years, they seem to have increased in frequency, the span of time from one onslaught to the next greatly diminishing as age progresses.

They are frustrating, they are uncomfortable, they demand attention and release and keep me up at ungodly hours until I comply. But in the end, they are never unprovoked.

In these brief but agonizing gaps of uncertainty, within the burning bubble of indecision I am presented with the reality of the most precious gift that all of mankind is blessed with by divine grace.

I get to choose.

I struggle because I fear the consequence of a false move and I panic.

I know that the end will always be blissful, I know this because it always has been. But somewhere in the relegated recesses of my mind, the primitive impulses will have their moment. A moment in which they downright, will, just, go on and freak the freak out if they so well please.

I have to let it happen because I need to sleep!

Writing is my drug of choice, my weapon for redemption. I have written just for myself over the last few months and now I need to begin to let more of some stuff out.

From this moment on, I am done struggling with it (it being the decision that I am faced with), I release it into the ether with complete love, faith and hope.

I am officially letting go.

And letting sleep….